Change

Did it ever happen to you a change to be so big or so important that you can smell it? This is how I've been feeling for the past 2 weeks; I'm so aware of the transformation that I can smell the change...

When I left the country I was so aware of the reasons of my trip and I wanted so bad to achieve my objectives, but I never knew exactly how. When I went home in December I was actually a little bit scared that I will not achieve my personal goals... But the events from the past 2 months forced me, more or less, to start thinking about some things and analyze a lot more other things. Now I know I have to take some decisions and I will start analyzing, so I can be sure I will take good decisions.

I feel that the transformation that will come it's so important or big that sometimes I get a little bit scared. I have this internal fight: do I wanna change, do I wanna think and talk about it, do I wanna pretend everything is the same, do I wanna settle, what do I want to do? And without even talking with me, decisions slowly come alone...which is weird, but this is how I feel. I scares me like wow, but change is not always bad so I don't need to be scared... the only thing I feel that I have to do (unfortunately) is to be selfish... in order to make sure I achieve what is good for me...

I don't know what is the end, I don't see the light from the end of the tunnel, but I know decisions are starting to be taken; so far, I have 2 clear actions that I have to do when I go home, to close some "businesses"... Today I wrote 2 applications for my internship, but I did not have yet the courage to send them - they say when it has to happen it will happen. I'm also reading about religions, I'm reading books in Spanish and American literature like a crazy person (finally I'm reading 3 books in the same time, like I did home). And I also discovered what will be my personal birthday present: a new battery for my laptop (again weird gift for a girl at my age :P ). Maybe I wanna go to Australia or Canada (or very far away) for one more year, to discover something else...but I always needed something sure to rely on and I'm scared like a crazy person... I'm always making people around me sure of things, comforting them, but I can never do it for myself. Or maybe I wanna live in a small room in a new city and discover... but not everything depends on me...

Funny part is my behavior from the past month...I've been changing internally so much and so many people tell me that I behave differently or that I'm really changing; people that see me everyday, not people from home. Maybe it's true, maybe I'm changing already... but then: why am I so scared of this, even if I know change is not all the time bad? What I know for sure is that my new dream is taking shape: I established the country of my internship, when I wanna go, what I'm going to do with some things from my past - how to solve them, and how I feel about 10 specific people in my life; but I need to draw a better picture, I need a little bit more time... but I can smell the change already...