Roles - given or assumed?

Since last Thursday I've been analyzing people and situations around me. And it made me think about the roles we have - we assume them or are they given to us?

I will give an example (no names, no details), not because I have something specific with this case, but because from that situation I started to ask myself that question. I had the chance of observing for a very short period of time a family relation (parents included). Sometimes it takes for an outsider to see better the roles each person has in an known environment. Or sometimes it takes a longer period of time away from that known environment to be able to see the roles with your own eyes. I could see better the roles in my family after 6 months, when I went in December back home; even though, honestly, nobody wanted to accept that the situation was actually how I described it - maybe it was too painful.

Coming back to my example, the guy's role was pretty much defined: person unfitted to take care of anything or take a decision, but who can do all the work they tell him to do. He could not back the car without someone mentioning to pay attention to the motorcycles; but when delivery gets to the house, he needs to go and pay them, even though the money were already on the table and someone was at the door. And perhaps all of this because of a mistake he did in his past.

But this situation took me back to my past. I remembered, from my short childhood, my aunt's (from my dad) situation. She got married with the wrong person and after a short period she had to divorce; she had to come back home to her parents, with her tail between her legs, admit she did a mistake and ask her parents to let her move back home. Imagine what she had to go through...it's not an easy situation, but everyone can be mistaken; her family gave her automatically the role of a "failure in life"; you went out there, you tried and you failed. You came home, no money, no dream, no boy, no kid, no nothing and we have to support you. But she just came home to her safe environment, not to ask for pity, but to ask for comfort and support in order to gain back the trust in herself and to go back in the world.

One thing led to another and it made me ask: the roles we have, do we assume them or they are given to us? In my example, maybe he assumed that role since he was a kid, long time before he ever explored the world by himself and "perform" "that" mistake. With my aunt, maybe she was never paying enough attention to analyzing people and promises, maybe she was always a person that believed everything that everybody said. Or maybe people around gave them those roles, sometimes based on suppositions, sometimes because of their own fears or just because of their own perceptions about the world.

But how are we suppose to escape those roles, if people that we trust do not help us? Can you imagine how difficult it must be for someone to come and ask for comfort and support, to regain strength to go back in the world, and to be hit by an attitude of "actually, we were expecting that from you".

Personal example: my parents always believed I'm a "in the air" person. This is why they were extremely scared when I got my driver's license; they were always sure I will get in car accidents. It's true I got involved in a very serious one, but it was not my fault (the guy ran a red light). But will I ever escape that role or I'm starting to assume it? Because I strongly believe in that idea: you can be brainwashed - if someone tells you everyday that you are dumb, sooner or later you will start believing it. (if you are interested in this topic, please read "Blink - the power of thinking without thinking" by Malcolm Gladwell)

And I'm part of an organization which is suppose to help young persons develop so much that they will overcome everything :) and they are suppose to start with personal change. We want to engage every young person in the world until 2015; and it's possible. But how can I finish what I have started if I'm leaving in 5 weeks? And yes, I know, when it comes to professional I need to let future leaders to continue what I have started, but what happens with personal changes/help/relations?

In the end, I still ask myself: the roles we have, do we assume them or are they given to us? Are they given and then they become a part of us (we assume them) or we assumed them so so good, that everybody has the impression they were there for ever?

Signs

Sometimes I chose to believe in signs. Lately I thought I saw too many signs... it's like the universe or something/someone is trying to send me a message.

I don't remember when it concretely started, but I remember that lately some of the things I wish came true and/or things felt into place (like everything that really has to happen is happening). Stupid example: I truly wished to eat sushi, and today I finally had the opportunity; but not normal opportunity, I ate for free :) a member from AIESEC had a coupon and invited us :)

Lately I got so scared of different thoughts that I had and I wanted to badly some support, but deep down inside of me I knew it's probably going to be a lonely road again. But every time I wrote on my blog, people wrote me back e-mails saying that they understand me, that I'm not alone etc... people I did not even know they are reading my blog; and they said all the right things :)

Today I was searching so bad for some answers to a specific question I had in mind for a while... Today was special because of its date and what it meant for me 7th of the month. And I was reading, watching movies and thinking... and all of a sudden a lost buddy, which I met through my friend (who's birthday was on the 3rd), wrote me on Yahoo Messenger. Let me explain the weird part of it. In Romania we use a lot Yahoo Messenger to communicate, but in Dominican Republic they are more focused on Gtalk or Hotmail, so lately (the past 6 months) I barely used Yahoo. But for the past days, I started again to log in, even though nobody was talking with me through it. But today this buddy clicked the wrong window and wrote me "is worth it"... like someone/something was trying to send a message... (or maybe I should interpret it as a mistake, because the message was not for me in the first place)

Or tonight, before I went out, I was thinking that I really need to start living my life fully... now that I have 7 more weeks in Dominican Republic, now that I'm starting a new chapter, now that I'm preparing for something different... and when I arrived home, in the car, I felt in love with a new song and I guessed instantaneously who sings it and I also discovered 5 minutes later, in from of my laptop, that the name of the song is "good life"...

The last thing that happened to me before I went to bed was an e-mail I received. Actually a picture. The picture itself upset me and made me jealous and questioning stuff. But the e-mail... I got home and I wished so bad for an e-mail; I checked my inbox and there was no e-mail I had wished for. But after I discovered the new song I felt in love with, I got the e-mail I wished for. I don't know if I should accept the sign as it (received what I wanted - be careful what you wish for) or if I should interpret it as a sign showing something else (the content of the picture).

Why do I see so many signs around me? Or maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me and I see only what I wanna see... crazy to believe in signs? and how to interpret them? :)

Change

Did it ever happen to you a change to be so big or so important that you can smell it? This is how I've been feeling for the past 2 weeks; I'm so aware of the transformation that I can smell the change...

When I left the country I was so aware of the reasons of my trip and I wanted so bad to achieve my objectives, but I never knew exactly how. When I went home in December I was actually a little bit scared that I will not achieve my personal goals... But the events from the past 2 months forced me, more or less, to start thinking about some things and analyze a lot more other things. Now I know I have to take some decisions and I will start analyzing, so I can be sure I will take good decisions.

I feel that the transformation that will come it's so important or big that sometimes I get a little bit scared. I have this internal fight: do I wanna change, do I wanna think and talk about it, do I wanna pretend everything is the same, do I wanna settle, what do I want to do? And without even talking with me, decisions slowly come alone...which is weird, but this is how I feel. I scares me like wow, but change is not always bad so I don't need to be scared... the only thing I feel that I have to do (unfortunately) is to be selfish... in order to make sure I achieve what is good for me...

I don't know what is the end, I don't see the light from the end of the tunnel, but I know decisions are starting to be taken; so far, I have 2 clear actions that I have to do when I go home, to close some "businesses"... Today I wrote 2 applications for my internship, but I did not have yet the courage to send them - they say when it has to happen it will happen. I'm also reading about religions, I'm reading books in Spanish and American literature like a crazy person (finally I'm reading 3 books in the same time, like I did home). And I also discovered what will be my personal birthday present: a new battery for my laptop (again weird gift for a girl at my age :P ). Maybe I wanna go to Australia or Canada (or very far away) for one more year, to discover something else...but I always needed something sure to rely on and I'm scared like a crazy person... I'm always making people around me sure of things, comforting them, but I can never do it for myself. Or maybe I wanna live in a small room in a new city and discover... but not everything depends on me...

Funny part is my behavior from the past month...I've been changing internally so much and so many people tell me that I behave differently or that I'm really changing; people that see me everyday, not people from home. Maybe it's true, maybe I'm changing already... but then: why am I so scared of this, even if I know change is not all the time bad? What I know for sure is that my new dream is taking shape: I established the country of my internship, when I wanna go, what I'm going to do with some things from my past - how to solve them, and how I feel about 10 specific people in my life; but I need to draw a better picture, I need a little bit more time... but I can smell the change already...

35 days and 5 events

Some time ago, a period of 35 days started... in that/this period I had/have to go through 5 different events, important events for me, events that I had/have to celebrate 10.000 km away from home, my family, my dear ones, my friends... I wanted to share them...

First event: Happy birthday, mom! (16th of April)
The most important person in my life is my mom; she was there for me in so many moments and so any events, that I cannot describe. What we went through, only close close friends know. And my mom :) Anyway, it was a huge blow for me not to be there for her birthday. I thought it nothing important and I will manage it, but I could not even talk with her on Skype, because I was bursting into tears. I love you, mom! Happy birthday and I wish you the most important things (from my point of view): be happy and stay healthy. I love you! Happy birthday! La multi multi multi ani fericiti si sanatosi!

Second event: Happy birthday. Denisa! (19th of April)
Another birthday I missed. Again, I thought everything will be ok, but as I realized I was away from my best friends for more than 9 months and I missed too many events. I'm so scared I lost the connection with them, especially my best friends (5 to count), and I will not be able to get it back. Denisa it's too special for me...I cannot find all the words to describe her and why she is so special for me: from her personality, her support, her help, her mind, how bright she is, how she is thinking and taking decisions until...all the small (but very important) details that describe her. I hope from the bottom of the heart we will always have our friendship and everything will come true for you (all your dreams and desires)...including our Brussels dream :) Happy birthday and be happy!

Third event: Happy Easter! (24rd of April)
Easter is the most important holiday in my religion. I'm not a very religious person, but being in another country with another religion so far away from home, during this holiday made me realize that it is an important holiday for me personally. I used to fight with me mom every year that I want to cook some special meals (cozonaci, drob) alone and that I want to learn and be good at it :) Or how we used to cook too much for 3 persons (how big is my family) and how we felt after the 3 days of holiday (full and stuffed with too much food). Or how I used to go to the church and get the light for the following year...light that I did not bring to my soul and home this year :( But most of all I missed my family and my friends and spending time with them. I think it's important to be with your dear ones during the holidays.

Fourth event: rest in peace my dear friend (I will always celebrate your birthday because I'm thankful I had you in my life) (3rd of May)
My friend that I already mentioned in this blog and that is not with us anymore, would have celebrated his birthday... But in my religion and culture, when the person is not with us anymore, we say "Rest in peace" and we hope that person found peace. Besides that, instead of being sad and crying about it, this year I decided to celebrate the day by remembering all the good moments and why I'm so thankful he was (shortly) part of my life. I think he would be more happy if we would remember the good moments and not the bad ones, or the fact that he is not here anymore. I'm not saying I'm better, because it still hurts like hell when I realize I will never see him, hear him, talk with him etc...but I need to see the reason for his "participation" in my/our life. I learned a lot and I discovered a lot more...thank you for that! Thank you!

Fifth event: my birthday...
I thought I don't want to celebrate it due to the memory of my friend, I thought it will hurt not to spend it with my family and friends from home, I thought I feel I'm getting too old and I'm not settled... but I don't know what I want/feel anymore about it. I know I will never celebrate here like I do it at home, because nobody knows how we celebrate birthdays in Romania... (and believe me, it is different), but maybe it's time for a change... Maybe I don't need to settle yet, I can still act like a wild horse :) (you need to read my previous blog to understand this joke), maybe I can enjoy with new friends, maybe everything is going to be ok...

I thought a lot about how these 5 events in such a short period are going to affect me, but as someone very important told me once, it's not important to be there one day of the year, but it's important to be there everyday of every year... only that I was away for a year :) They affected me by making me realize that I have to think and reflect who am I now...who is the new me if there is someone new :)