A few months ago I dreamed of the future. I hoped, without realizing that there is a possibility for my wish to come true, for stability in my life. I promised that if I will have the certainty of the work place for a few more months, I will focus more on my personal development: studying French with more interest, go to the pool to swim, read more books etc. And now I cannot keep my promise. I always believed (strongly) in: there's no "I cannot", but only "I don't want to". So, according to my beliefs, it's not that I cannot, but I don't want to keep my promise.
I wished for more light, because it was dark outside too soon. A few months ago, when I used to get out of the office, it was dark outside. Now, I'm home, close to falling asleep (because I'm tired) and there's still light outside (9:30 p.m.).
I wished to go to a rock concert and opportunities are showing up like mushrooms after rain.
I wished (even more months ago) to get my own apartment, to cook, to be able to do anything I want without explaining to anyone why I want to do that (eg: read a book all day Saturday), to drink wine and listen to my music. I'm only missing the Audrey Hepburn painting and the vacuum cleaner.
But today I realized I wish so many years ago for that boy... blueish eyes and brown hair, playing the piano and listening to rock music. A man that can take care of me, one that can make me laugh every day, one that can share some (if not all) passions with me. A boy that knows when to act childish and when to act mature. One that loves travelling, reading, cars, IT, mathematics, wine and music. One that can actually read me and understand me without me explaining to him anything I do, say, think etc. And so many more qualities, characteristics and descriptive things. I never pictured how I will meet him, nor how the situation will be. I just always truly hoped that I will get to be one that will prove to the world that is possible. And now, it's for the first time when I'm thinking I might actually want to settle down in a few years... and it scares the hell out of me.
I wish many more things, don't get me wrong. I don't feel I developed sufficiently, the need of evolution is still in me and it's huge. I want to learn how to play the piano, to do bungee jumping, to read a lot more books, to get a permanent position in a company, to visit the entire Europe, parts of Asia and Latin America, to have my honeymoon in Alaska, to go on a roller-coaster, to buy a car, to learn Flemish, to perfect my Spanish and French, to practice yoga and swimming on a constant basis, to buy a house with a huge pool and to do many many more :)
Did it ever happen to you to be happy (not all day, but every day) constantly for 4 months?
I wished upon a star... and it came true...
Slowly, but surely, all parts of the puzzle are coming together. Maybe in a few minutes, hours, days, months or years I'll not be happy anymore (during one day) and that continuum will be broken. But, at least, now, I'm happy. And hopefully, this "not all day, but every day" happiness with stay with me for more :)
maybe the "I don't want to" is because the feeling of happiness is the most intense I ever felt it in my whole life....
