analytics

I'm in this analytical period right now. Analysing again what and when and how etc. Usually I go through this process when I stay for too long in one place (not necessarily a physical place). Perhaps I stayed put for too long.

And when I usually am so analytical, of course I overanalyse :) probably most girls (or people?) do that. So it happens that I lie down on the couch and I notice the first star appearing on the sky, so I'm thinking "oh, that's must be a sign" :)

If I'm not analytical, I'm thinking of running away (again): maybe a new country, a new experience, new friends will offer me a new perspective. And I'm always looking for new ways to develop myself and learn stuff. Actually I'm sure that "running away" is not the correct word. I'm not running away, I don't want to. There's nothing to run away from. I just want something new to learn. And no, I don't know why.

Since January I'm thinking I want to start a project, try to open a "business". I was waiting to feel right for it. Even my mom always thought that AIESEC should have pushed me to open my own business as soon as I became an Alumnus. But I didn't feel ready. It just did not feel right. And for 3 months now, I've been investing in courses on Entrepreneurship and this week I finalised the 3rd course. Of course, it does not feel perfect and big changes or leaps of faith will always take courage. But as so many inspirational quotes and personal stories say, when you go the extra mile, you won't find a lot of people around you. Not because it's not good what you're doing, but because not a lot of people go that extra mile. So it does not feel perfect and it's scaring the sh*t out of me, but I want to try this; I feel a good vibe from it. So at the moment, it's just an idea and not put in practice yet, it will take me some months to develop it even more and hopefully I'll manage to pilot it in less than 12 months and see if it can be developed in a life-sustaining business (or money providing project :)  as the society will say, not that I care about society's opinion).

I've felt different throughout my life. I had this constant feeling that I'm destined to do something bigger, important and that people will remember me (I'm not referring to the entire mankind, just some people). I don't quite know why, but I've had that feeling for quite some time now. Sometimes I have the feeling that I'm in my own version of "Truman show" (did you ever feel like that?) and that certain things were happening because the show was allowing me to have them. The producers considered I went through certain experiences and I gained certain competencies that were allowing me to move on to another stage/experience. I'm not spoiled (yes, I'll go that far to connecting those dots), but sometimes I think certain things will happen because they need to. Truman Show or not, if you work hard enough, things will happen (most of the times). 

I might restart to write here, more often. That was one of the advices in one of my course: document your learning experience. Maybe it helps others, maybe it just helps you (did you know that keeping a journal or writing about your experiences is considered to be therapeutic?). So maybe I'll try it.

The beginning of a new chapter

How should I start this? Well, I've been thinking and analyzing a lot lately and I feel a new chapter of my life is starting. And, due to the fact that a lot of people asked me to start writing again, I decided that writing will be part of this new chapter.

I will not over-analyze and talk to you only about the new chapter that is about to begin. But I would like to say I had an AMAZING 2011 :) I cannot believe I did all of that :) I was in Dominican Republic, I was leading an organization, I went to an International Conference in Mexico (!!!), I visited Dominican Republic, I fell in love, I celebrated my birthday in a crazy way (and very far away from home), I visited Germany, I lost my friends and then they got me back, I went home for 2 months and I re-connected with my parents, I visited Romania (unexplored "parts"), I was chair for a local conference for AIESEC Bucharest (great way to re-connect with my home LC), I got an internship in Western Europe, I moved to another country, I've got my own place, I celebrated 5 years of being an AIESECer... and the year did not finish yet. WOW!!!

Looking back at my resolutions for 2011:
- "exchange - I'm going to work in a company in western Europe and I will start the slow transition between the organization that gave me the best 4 years of my life to corporate life" DONE
- "This year I'm going to read at least that 52 books (at least one per week)" DONE
- "This year I'm going to take my parents to Rome by plane and we are going to visit the city for at least 4 days (on my own expense)" DONE (I did not take them to Rome for 4 days, but to Brussels for 7 days, so I think it compensates)

I managed to do all of them! WOW!!!

I am very proud of my 2011 and I realize it will be very difficult to make 2012 better :) I already have a couple of resolutions in my mind for 2012, but they are not decided upon yet. I will come back with news about this.

Until then, getting back to the reason of my post today, I feel that a new chapter is about to begin. You know how sometimes, before the storm comes, you can smell the rain? Or how sometimes before a storm hits, everything gets calm? I have no idea what comes now (if it's a storm or not), but something new is about to start. And I'm getting excited... actually, I already started to make some changes in my life... :)

I case I'm not writing before 31st of December, I will wish you a Happy New Year and a FANTASTIC 2012! Kisses!

The secret... you...

When you go away for a long period of time, one of the most wonderful processes is taking place. Some secret ingredients are: to be far away from home, almost no option of going home, talking even with very close friends only once per month.

When everything I mentioned and a lot more happens, you discover yourself, your true self. But a small details: most probably, all the people around you will not discover that (depends on each person, but you got the idea). When you go far away from home, for at least one year, you will automatically put yourself in a bubble, trying to protect yourself or to enjoy as much as possible without judging anything and anybody. From my point of view, that is the moment when you are making it very difficult, for people around you, to get to the core you and discover your true self - they need to break that bubble in order to find you.

I thought about this in the last week, mostly because of a lot of things that are happening in my personal life, things that forced me to think about what I want to do, who I am and why I want to do all the things I wanna do. Meanwhile I was talking with very close friends from home about our plans for the future year and I realized that I really need to start thinking a little bit more about what I want to do. And while talking with my friends I discovered that you might present a person to the people around you, but the circumstances of being so far away from home, from your friends, from everything that defined you for more than 20 years, are presenting you as a different person. Even if you don't want to do it, the circumstances are not helping you to do it differently: you many things that define you might not be close to you.

You might lack the support, your friends, the money, the power, the knowledge, the familiarity, the places, the music, the food, the coffee, the cars... or you might just lack the moments that are bringing the true you to the surface. And then I had another AHA moment. This is the perfect situation to meet people exactly the same as you...that are acting the same as you are acting home.

No, I did not meet anybody like me here yet. I had the opportunity to meet that person at home, in my safe environment; here I had the opportunity to meet people that have the same behavior that I have at home, when people do not know me. That's the difference: at home when I met that person I managed (I hope) to spend enough time in order to "break" that person and manage to see the true self; here I see the behavior of a person acting when the other person does not know the core self and when they think they can act however, because the other person cannot read them completely.

Back home the circumstances are helping me to be myself, are helping me to not not to fake, but to do/be/act exactly how I am. I used to talk with my girls about guys coming with different cars to pick us up from home, just trying to impress us; but we were doing the same: going to clubs with different cars, just to show off. That's childish, but it happens. Or how some of us are attracted by foreigners, just to talk a little bit more English or to see how a different culture thinks. But being home, in your self environment, with all the right circumstances, make you act in specific ways, ways that you would not choose as a way to express yourself when you are away from home. Because you don't have everything you have home to rely on; sometimes you know so clear that home you would react differently, but away from home you simply... cannot...

That brings me in front of a very important question for me: if you need all of those things to be able to express your true self, then how do you know everybody is true? How do you know you do not take a wrong/good decision based on circumstances which would forces you, that in a safe and know environment, to act different? I'm not lying, but I know that in some situations I might have acted differently if I would have been at home... so, am I true or am I lying, just because I don't have the right circumstances? Personally I think it's ME all the time, but sometimes I wish some people could see me at home...

PS: this is for a crazy girl willing to pursue a crazy dream with me, which is reality for us already... this is for discovering a new country, a new culture, a new experience, this is for discovering the true us!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwsSNrSEONc

Achieving dreams

Why when you achieve a dream you feel exhausted?

Actually lately I thought very much about one single question: in life, you do what you should do or what you want to do? I love asking this question to my members all the time, it tells me something about them and their way of life. But in the same time it made me think about other points of view on the same question. Maybe sometimes doing what you should so, will bring you to do the things you want to do.

Every since I joined AIESEC I wanted so badly to be present in an important moment in this organization. I was so jealous on members present in the organization in 2005, because they had the opportunity to create something which became history later. I wished the same for me. But I realized it's almost impossible, because the new vision is going to be create in 3 years from when I joined and I knew you need more time to be that important for the organization. But one way or another, I did it. I was part of the creation of 2015 vision, I added my personal touch to a vision for a huge, impressive organization and for their next generations.

But when I realized I was part of it and that I achieved a bold dream that I thought it was impossible, I realized I was exhausted. I'm not saying it in a bad way, but I think at one point in my beautiful journey in this wonderful organization I got a little bit lost. It's everything so pretty, so many nice people, so diverse, so crazy, so wild, so professional, so everything, that you risk at one point to stop seeing the big picture and to lose the sense of doing it: influencing people's life and making an impact in the society around it.

When I apply the same question in personal life, the feeling is much more intense. I know when something or someone is important for me when specific things happen, like: I wake up after minimum 6 hours with the same idea in my mind; it burns in the middle of my cheat when I talk about it, my mind accelerates when I think about it, my heart beats faster when I see something that reminds me of it etc. But the feeling is the same (just a little bit more intense): I feel exhausted when I achieve it.

My dreams are starting to get achieved; at least, the ones I had for this age. But I cannot help wondering if the older I will get the more exhausted I will feel when I will achieve my dreams? And now, why do I feel exhausted when I achieve dreams? And...can I have answers to all my questions? :)