analytics

I'm in this analytical period right now. Analysing again what and when and how etc. Usually I go through this process when I stay for too long in one place (not necessarily a physical place). Perhaps I stayed put for too long.

And when I usually am so analytical, of course I overanalyse :) probably most girls (or people?) do that. So it happens that I lie down on the couch and I notice the first star appearing on the sky, so I'm thinking "oh, that's must be a sign" :)

If I'm not analytical, I'm thinking of running away (again): maybe a new country, a new experience, new friends will offer me a new perspective. And I'm always looking for new ways to develop myself and learn stuff. Actually I'm sure that "running away" is not the correct word. I'm not running away, I don't want to. There's nothing to run away from. I just want something new to learn. And no, I don't know why.

Since January I'm thinking I want to start a project, try to open a "business". I was waiting to feel right for it. Even my mom always thought that AIESEC should have pushed me to open my own business as soon as I became an Alumnus. But I didn't feel ready. It just did not feel right. And for 3 months now, I've been investing in courses on Entrepreneurship and this week I finalised the 3rd course. Of course, it does not feel perfect and big changes or leaps of faith will always take courage. But as so many inspirational quotes and personal stories say, when you go the extra mile, you won't find a lot of people around you. Not because it's not good what you're doing, but because not a lot of people go that extra mile. So it does not feel perfect and it's scaring the sh*t out of me, but I want to try this; I feel a good vibe from it. So at the moment, it's just an idea and not put in practice yet, it will take me some months to develop it even more and hopefully I'll manage to pilot it in less than 12 months and see if it can be developed in a life-sustaining business (or money providing project :)  as the society will say, not that I care about society's opinion).

I've felt different throughout my life. I had this constant feeling that I'm destined to do something bigger, important and that people will remember me (I'm not referring to the entire mankind, just some people). I don't quite know why, but I've had that feeling for quite some time now. Sometimes I have the feeling that I'm in my own version of "Truman show" (did you ever feel like that?) and that certain things were happening because the show was allowing me to have them. The producers considered I went through certain experiences and I gained certain competencies that were allowing me to move on to another stage/experience. I'm not spoiled (yes, I'll go that far to connecting those dots), but sometimes I think certain things will happen because they need to. Truman Show or not, if you work hard enough, things will happen (most of the times). 

I might restart to write here, more often. That was one of the advices in one of my course: document your learning experience. Maybe it helps others, maybe it just helps you (did you know that keeping a journal or writing about your experiences is considered to be therapeutic?). So maybe I'll try it.

Achieving dreams

Why when you achieve a dream you feel exhausted?

Actually lately I thought very much about one single question: in life, you do what you should do or what you want to do? I love asking this question to my members all the time, it tells me something about them and their way of life. But in the same time it made me think about other points of view on the same question. Maybe sometimes doing what you should so, will bring you to do the things you want to do.

Every since I joined AIESEC I wanted so badly to be present in an important moment in this organization. I was so jealous on members present in the organization in 2005, because they had the opportunity to create something which became history later. I wished the same for me. But I realized it's almost impossible, because the new vision is going to be create in 3 years from when I joined and I knew you need more time to be that important for the organization. But one way or another, I did it. I was part of the creation of 2015 vision, I added my personal touch to a vision for a huge, impressive organization and for their next generations.

But when I realized I was part of it and that I achieved a bold dream that I thought it was impossible, I realized I was exhausted. I'm not saying it in a bad way, but I think at one point in my beautiful journey in this wonderful organization I got a little bit lost. It's everything so pretty, so many nice people, so diverse, so crazy, so wild, so professional, so everything, that you risk at one point to stop seeing the big picture and to lose the sense of doing it: influencing people's life and making an impact in the society around it.

When I apply the same question in personal life, the feeling is much more intense. I know when something or someone is important for me when specific things happen, like: I wake up after minimum 6 hours with the same idea in my mind; it burns in the middle of my cheat when I talk about it, my mind accelerates when I think about it, my heart beats faster when I see something that reminds me of it etc. But the feeling is the same (just a little bit more intense): I feel exhausted when I achieve it.

My dreams are starting to get achieved; at least, the ones I had for this age. But I cannot help wondering if the older I will get the more exhausted I will feel when I will achieve my dreams? And now, why do I feel exhausted when I achieve dreams? And...can I have answers to all my questions? :)