Did it ever happen to you a change to be so big or so important that you can smell it? This is how I've been feeling for the past 2 weeks; I'm so aware of the transformation that I can smell the change...
When I left the country I was so aware of the reasons of my trip and I wanted so bad to achieve my objectives, but I never knew exactly how. When I went home in December I was actually a little bit scared that I will not achieve my personal goals... But the events from the past 2 months forced me, more or less, to start thinking about some things and analyze a lot more other things. Now I know I have to take some decisions and I will start analyzing, so I can be sure I will take good decisions.
I feel that the transformation that will come it's so important or big that sometimes I get a little bit scared. I have this internal fight: do I wanna change, do I wanna think and talk about it, do I wanna pretend everything is the same, do I wanna settle, what do I want to do? And without even talking with me, decisions slowly come alone...which is weird, but this is how I feel. I scares me like wow, but change is not always bad so I don't need to be scared... the only thing I feel that I have to do (unfortunately) is to be selfish... in order to make sure I achieve what is good for me...
I don't know what is the end, I don't see the light from the end of the tunnel, but I know decisions are starting to be taken; so far, I have 2 clear actions that I have to do when I go home, to close some "businesses"... Today I wrote 2 applications for my internship, but I did not have yet the courage to send them - they say when it has to happen it will happen. I'm also reading about religions, I'm reading books in Spanish and American literature like a crazy person (finally I'm reading 3 books in the same time, like I did home). And I also discovered what will be my personal birthday present: a new battery for my laptop (again weird gift for a girl at my age :P ). Maybe I wanna go to Australia or Canada (or very far away) for one more year, to discover something else...but I always needed something sure to rely on and I'm scared like a crazy person... I'm always making people around me sure of things, comforting them, but I can never do it for myself. Or maybe I wanna live in a small room in a new city and discover... but not everything depends on me...
Funny part is my behavior from the past month...I've been changing internally so much and so many people tell me that I behave differently or that I'm really changing; people that see me everyday, not people from home. Maybe it's true, maybe I'm changing already... but then: why am I so scared of this, even if I know change is not all the time bad? What I know for sure is that my new dream is taking shape: I established the country of my internship, when I wanna go, what I'm going to do with some things from my past - how to solve them, and how I feel about 10 specific people in my life; but I need to draw a better picture, I need a little bit more time... but I can smell the change already...
Showing posts with label departure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label departure. Show all posts
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Friends
Last days were pretty relaxed for me. I had time to do my job, my work and most of all I had the time to rest. Again obliged by the lack of electricity, or like last night, by own will, because I managed to sleep 12 hours. Apparently I was very tired and sleeping 12 hours really helped me to get some rest :)
In the last week, I talked with friends I did not talk for a looong time and it felt very good. I remember that when I left home I was thinking who is going to talk to me while I will be there, who will be in contact with me etc. And apparently, some people still remember me, some people still talk with me or read my blog.
Also I'm very happy because even after a long time being apart, I'm still connected with my MC team from Romania. I talk with them pretty often (or at least a part of them), and somehow, no matter how much time passes by, we still know about each other, what we are doing, where we are etc. I can start realizing that this team will be close to my heart no matter what and we will be friends over the years... That makes me happy, proud and grateful.
But what I know for sure is that now I'm discovering who really represents a good friend for me, who can really understand my passion and the reasons for me coming in this country, who still cares about what is happening to me while being here.
Unfortunately, I can realize I changed and I'm not the same person, mainly because of the situations I had to deal with since I was here (most of them personal), that I know that the relations I have now are affected by that. Sometimes I am sad about it, because I cannot change my behaviour or I cannot find a way to do that yet, and I can realize how the relations I have are affected and I don't like it. But hopefully, the good and important friends I have are going to accept the new person I am and together we will find a way to maintain the relation in the future.
I'm really excited about spending the Christmas holiday at home with family and friends. Sometimes I'm dreaming at night that I forgot some presents or things to do before my departure, but I wake up and realize I have plenty of time to arrange everything and not to worry.
In the last week, I talked with friends I did not talk for a looong time and it felt very good. I remember that when I left home I was thinking who is going to talk to me while I will be there, who will be in contact with me etc. And apparently, some people still remember me, some people still talk with me or read my blog.
Also I'm very happy because even after a long time being apart, I'm still connected with my MC team from Romania. I talk with them pretty often (or at least a part of them), and somehow, no matter how much time passes by, we still know about each other, what we are doing, where we are etc. I can start realizing that this team will be close to my heart no matter what and we will be friends over the years... That makes me happy, proud and grateful.
But what I know for sure is that now I'm discovering who really represents a good friend for me, who can really understand my passion and the reasons for me coming in this country, who still cares about what is happening to me while being here.
Unfortunately, I can realize I changed and I'm not the same person, mainly because of the situations I had to deal with since I was here (most of them personal), that I know that the relations I have now are affected by that. Sometimes I am sad about it, because I cannot change my behaviour or I cannot find a way to do that yet, and I can realize how the relations I have are affected and I don't like it. But hopefully, the good and important friends I have are going to accept the new person I am and together we will find a way to maintain the relation in the future.
I'm really excited about spending the Christmas holiday at home with family and friends. Sometimes I'm dreaming at night that I forgot some presents or things to do before my departure, but I wake up and realize I have plenty of time to arrange everything and not to worry.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Before the departure
I wanted to much to write the first post before the departure; because I wanted to have somewhere clearly stated the reasons for my decision to spend 1 year in another country/culture, 10.000 km away from home, and because this way I could capture what I was truly feeling before.
Everything started in November 2009, when everybody was asking me what I wanted to do after my term as Alumni Manager in AIESEC in Romania. I found a place and a position which fitted very well my wishes: I felt that I can help AIESEC in that country develop more and in the same time I was going to get to know myself a lot more. In the end, there were 5 reasons behind my decision:
1. I wanted a time apart from my parents
2. I wanted a time apart from the guys in my life
3. I wanted to (re)discover myself
4. I wanted to prove myself I can do it, that I'm capable of fulfilling all my objectives
5. I wanted to help AIESEC in the Dominican Republic
I don't want to forget the reasons for my decision; every single time when I will feel alone, tired, when I will want to go back home, I will remember the reasons and the fact that I always deliver on my promises and that I never quit.
The second thing, which I think is important for this moment: the way I feel right now. I never counted the days until my depature and I never thought about how is it going to be. I don't like setting expectations, because usually you get disappointed. I have no idea how is it going to be and I don't want to think about this. Also, I will never count the days there or the days until I will get back. I want to fully live the experience, an experience which is going to change my perspectives, my way of thinking, my way of being, me.
Everything started in November 2009, when everybody was asking me what I wanted to do after my term as Alumni Manager in AIESEC in Romania. I found a place and a position which fitted very well my wishes: I felt that I can help AIESEC in that country develop more and in the same time I was going to get to know myself a lot more. In the end, there were 5 reasons behind my decision:
1. I wanted a time apart from my parents
2. I wanted a time apart from the guys in my life
3. I wanted to (re)discover myself
4. I wanted to prove myself I can do it, that I'm capable of fulfilling all my objectives
5. I wanted to help AIESEC in the Dominican Republic
I don't want to forget the reasons for my decision; every single time when I will feel alone, tired, when I will want to go back home, I will remember the reasons and the fact that I always deliver on my promises and that I never quit.
The second thing, which I think is important for this moment: the way I feel right now. I never counted the days until my depature and I never thought about how is it going to be. I don't like setting expectations, because usually you get disappointed. I have no idea how is it going to be and I don't want to think about this. Also, I will never count the days there or the days until I will get back. I want to fully live the experience, an experience which is going to change my perspectives, my way of thinking, my way of being, me.
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