Right person, right moment, wrong time

I met so many people in the right moment of my life, but at the wrong time of theirs. Or in the right moment of their life, but at the wrong time of mine.

I met my first love when I was 16; unfortunately, we felt we are too young for such strong feelings. We decided to wonder around the world for a few more years and hopefully, later on, we will come back. So far, nothing else than a nice romantic movie. But the ending did not happen; or it did not happen yet.

I met a very nice guy right before I left the country for my first international experience. I was too difficult for both of us to try a long distance relationship. So we decided to stop before we got too involved.

I met a very good friend 9 years ago. I did not talk to him more than 5 minutes in the first 4 years. After a weird night and 4 years of not talking, we ended up talking about many stupid, little, insignificant things; we realized we really like the friendship developed between us and we want to hold on to it as much as possible. I left the country for my first international experience and we promised to keep all our promises and work on our friendship even more. Unfortunately, the timing was wrong again and a stupid accident took him away.

Today a conversation took me in the past again and made me wonder about how sometimes it is the right person in the right moment, but at the wrong time. Someone asked me today where I was 6 years ago; just because 6 years ago I was in my rock time and because I love wine, cars and piano. But 6 years ago I did not like wine. I loved cars and piano and rock music, yes, but the wine was added a few years ago. Actually, I realized how much I love wine last year, when in Dominican Republic the wine was pretty expensive and I did not recognize any of the brands. I still remember when I went home, after one year and 2 months, when I went out with my girls for the first time; it was so hot (summer in Romania gets sometimes too hot) and I ordered wine; their reaction was amazing: why did I drink wine on such a hot summer day? Because I realized I love wine and I missed it for the past year. Anyway, today he answered in such an original way to his own question "Where were you 6 years ago?" "In the wrong bed" Don't take it out of context, it's a (also) cute way (if you don't take it our of context) to answer.

But my question stands: how do you know, that if you would not have been in the "wrong bed", you would have been in the right one? Would you? Or it was just not meant to be? And how do you know that it is/was the right (wrong) bed, if years did not pass by and you saw the results of that specific "bed"?

Or sometimes we just have to wait? Another friend told me in December 2010 (after 6 months in Dominican Republic) "good things come to those who wait". And my typical answer would be "haven't I waited enough?" But maybe sometimes we have to wait...

And other times, we just want things to fall in the right place... and we ask ourselves

You think you know, but you have no idea

One of my favourite teachers told me long long time ago that in the end you will be alone with your god. This is not a religious post and I’m definitely a person that wants to tell people what their religion should be, but I would like to look at this from another perspective: don’t judge others, don’t criticize and especially, don’t generalize. One of the most beautiful characteristics of people is uniqueness. Value it! Don’t assume that you know someone because every now and then that person follows a pattern, nor because you have the impression that (s)he is repeating a behaviour.

I know some of my best friends for almost 5 years (thank you my girls for a beautiful friendship), and I will not say I know them, but only a part of them. I’ve know my best friend for 21 years now, and I still cannot say I know him. I think I know a lot about him, but I don’t know him. I strongly believe that you need to know a little bit of all the “departments” of someone, in order to be (even) able to say to know partly that person. And still, lately, I’m hearing so many persons assuming they know... well... people :)

Besides valuing this uniqueness of people, I think we should award it also. When was the last time you did an act of goodwill for someone else, without a personal benefit? I was reading a few days ago a blog which invited us to “pay it forward 2012” – what about accepting this challenge?

I strongly believe this year, 2012, it would be the year when I will accept the most challenges and deliver ALL of them. I want to do acts of goodwill without personal benefits, I want to award more, I want to listen more (and discover more), I want to learn more, I want to challenge myself as much as possible.

The beginning of a new chapter

How should I start this? Well, I've been thinking and analyzing a lot lately and I feel a new chapter of my life is starting. And, due to the fact that a lot of people asked me to start writing again, I decided that writing will be part of this new chapter.

I will not over-analyze and talk to you only about the new chapter that is about to begin. But I would like to say I had an AMAZING 2011 :) I cannot believe I did all of that :) I was in Dominican Republic, I was leading an organization, I went to an International Conference in Mexico (!!!), I visited Dominican Republic, I fell in love, I celebrated my birthday in a crazy way (and very far away from home), I visited Germany, I lost my friends and then they got me back, I went home for 2 months and I re-connected with my parents, I visited Romania (unexplored "parts"), I was chair for a local conference for AIESEC Bucharest (great way to re-connect with my home LC), I got an internship in Western Europe, I moved to another country, I've got my own place, I celebrated 5 years of being an AIESECer... and the year did not finish yet. WOW!!!

Looking back at my resolutions for 2011:
- "exchange - I'm going to work in a company in western Europe and I will start the slow transition between the organization that gave me the best 4 years of my life to corporate life" DONE
- "This year I'm going to read at least that 52 books (at least one per week)" DONE
- "This year I'm going to take my parents to Rome by plane and we are going to visit the city for at least 4 days (on my own expense)" DONE (I did not take them to Rome for 4 days, but to Brussels for 7 days, so I think it compensates)

I managed to do all of them! WOW!!!

I am very proud of my 2011 and I realize it will be very difficult to make 2012 better :) I already have a couple of resolutions in my mind for 2012, but they are not decided upon yet. I will come back with news about this.

Until then, getting back to the reason of my post today, I feel that a new chapter is about to begin. You know how sometimes, before the storm comes, you can smell the rain? Or how sometimes before a storm hits, everything gets calm? I have no idea what comes now (if it's a storm or not), but something new is about to start. And I'm getting excited... actually, I already started to make some changes in my life... :)

I case I'm not writing before 31st of December, I will wish you a Happy New Year and a FANTASTIC 2012! Kisses!

Finding home

I took me a while to listen to some of my friends and keep writing on my blog, even if I'm home. I decided I should continue writing because I want to share the cultural shocks you have when you come home, because the journey does not end when you finish the experience, but it continues with all the consequences of your journey.

I came home almost 2 months ago and I have to admit I wanted to come home. I missed my country, my parents, my friends, my food, places etc. But when you come home and you stay (meaning you don't come just for 2 weeks, on a holiday), the situation is different.

I was talking the other day with some friends (which I have to admit I did not know they liked me that much) about how I truly feel since I came back. And I think the situation might be a little different because I was so far away from home and staying in touch with friends, family etc was more difficult (7 hours difference, jobs, responsibilities etc). I do not think it's the same for everybody, but I have to say I found more people in the same situation as mine.

I doesn't matter the country or the experience - you feel the change in you, you realize you changed some characteristics in you, you know you are more patient, energetic or whatever. But you have to catch up with the life you left behind. Everything is changed after one year, people have jobs, changed jobs, have boyfriends/girlfriends, someone hates someone etc, and you don't understand anything. You might say the wrong thing/joke, you might not understand a joke or you might feel left out because you don't understand the meaning of the discussions around you. And you ask for explanations, support or information.

Some of the people around you might understand and accept the fact that you are changed and they are changed; they might understand that people evolved during the past year and you (both parties involved in that "relationship") cannot take it from where you left it, but you have to make some adjustments. Some people will accept everything and start working with the new situation. Other people might not understand the changes, might not understand your frustrations and they might not want to see you anymore, ever again. And this is the painful part - accepting that life moves on and friends you thought you have are not there anymore.

I was surprised from both sides - discovering friends I never knew I have and discovering I lost others. And this truly is a painful moment - this situation can put you down and you might feel disoriented and left out (I have met people that found themselves in this situation as well, even after one year since their return).

It is a true joy and pleasure finding the country and it's characteristics. My luck was that I was for 1 year living in a country with a little worse situation than Romania - so I can say that I feel Romania has improved and it is a lot better than some places in the world. I rediscovered the food, the movies, the buses, the metro, the bars, the coffee, the smoking people (we are a smoking country) etc. And I find it all superb, because I truly feel I'm home.

This is a hard moment for everybody (when they come home, after a long period) and I know persons that even after one year still feel they don't fit anymore. This is the moment when some of us are pushed to leave again, thinking they are going back to what they had before or to a new place. Or this is the moment when some of us manage to get back in their "circles" and they will feel they can actually make the change they wanted to make, in Romania, with the help of their foreign "knowledge" and experience. Personally, I think that if Romanians would put a little more effort in the reintegration activities for Romanians that come home, our country's situation would be a little bit better.

Coming back to the original thought - to go back, I might not find what I left, because things changed there already also; to stay here, I still don't feel reintegrated enough. So I think my future is officially undecided; how I once wrote in AIESEC Bucharest: my future is a open sea of opportunities.

35 days and 5 events

Some time ago, a period of 35 days started... in that/this period I had/have to go through 5 different events, important events for me, events that I had/have to celebrate 10.000 km away from home, my family, my dear ones, my friends... I wanted to share them...

First event: Happy birthday, mom! (16th of April)
The most important person in my life is my mom; she was there for me in so many moments and so any events, that I cannot describe. What we went through, only close close friends know. And my mom :) Anyway, it was a huge blow for me not to be there for her birthday. I thought it nothing important and I will manage it, but I could not even talk with her on Skype, because I was bursting into tears. I love you, mom! Happy birthday and I wish you the most important things (from my point of view): be happy and stay healthy. I love you! Happy birthday! La multi multi multi ani fericiti si sanatosi!

Second event: Happy birthday. Denisa! (19th of April)
Another birthday I missed. Again, I thought everything will be ok, but as I realized I was away from my best friends for more than 9 months and I missed too many events. I'm so scared I lost the connection with them, especially my best friends (5 to count), and I will not be able to get it back. Denisa it's too special for me...I cannot find all the words to describe her and why she is so special for me: from her personality, her support, her help, her mind, how bright she is, how she is thinking and taking decisions until...all the small (but very important) details that describe her. I hope from the bottom of the heart we will always have our friendship and everything will come true for you (all your dreams and desires)...including our Brussels dream :) Happy birthday and be happy!

Third event: Happy Easter! (24rd of April)
Easter is the most important holiday in my religion. I'm not a very religious person, but being in another country with another religion so far away from home, during this holiday made me realize that it is an important holiday for me personally. I used to fight with me mom every year that I want to cook some special meals (cozonaci, drob) alone and that I want to learn and be good at it :) Or how we used to cook too much for 3 persons (how big is my family) and how we felt after the 3 days of holiday (full and stuffed with too much food). Or how I used to go to the church and get the light for the following year...light that I did not bring to my soul and home this year :( But most of all I missed my family and my friends and spending time with them. I think it's important to be with your dear ones during the holidays.

Fourth event: rest in peace my dear friend (I will always celebrate your birthday because I'm thankful I had you in my life) (3rd of May)
My friend that I already mentioned in this blog and that is not with us anymore, would have celebrated his birthday... But in my religion and culture, when the person is not with us anymore, we say "Rest in peace" and we hope that person found peace. Besides that, instead of being sad and crying about it, this year I decided to celebrate the day by remembering all the good moments and why I'm so thankful he was (shortly) part of my life. I think he would be more happy if we would remember the good moments and not the bad ones, or the fact that he is not here anymore. I'm not saying I'm better, because it still hurts like hell when I realize I will never see him, hear him, talk with him etc...but I need to see the reason for his "participation" in my/our life. I learned a lot and I discovered a lot more...thank you for that! Thank you!

Fifth event: my birthday...
I thought I don't want to celebrate it due to the memory of my friend, I thought it will hurt not to spend it with my family and friends from home, I thought I feel I'm getting too old and I'm not settled... but I don't know what I want/feel anymore about it. I know I will never celebrate here like I do it at home, because nobody knows how we celebrate birthdays in Romania... (and believe me, it is different), but maybe it's time for a change... Maybe I don't need to settle yet, I can still act like a wild horse :) (you need to read my previous blog to understand this joke), maybe I can enjoy with new friends, maybe everything is going to be ok...

I thought a lot about how these 5 events in such a short period are going to affect me, but as someone very important told me once, it's not important to be there one day of the year, but it's important to be there everyday of every year... only that I was away for a year :) They affected me by making me realize that I have to think and reflect who am I now...who is the new me if there is someone new :)

The secret... you...

When you go away for a long period of time, one of the most wonderful processes is taking place. Some secret ingredients are: to be far away from home, almost no option of going home, talking even with very close friends only once per month.

When everything I mentioned and a lot more happens, you discover yourself, your true self. But a small details: most probably, all the people around you will not discover that (depends on each person, but you got the idea). When you go far away from home, for at least one year, you will automatically put yourself in a bubble, trying to protect yourself or to enjoy as much as possible without judging anything and anybody. From my point of view, that is the moment when you are making it very difficult, for people around you, to get to the core you and discover your true self - they need to break that bubble in order to find you.

I thought about this in the last week, mostly because of a lot of things that are happening in my personal life, things that forced me to think about what I want to do, who I am and why I want to do all the things I wanna do. Meanwhile I was talking with very close friends from home about our plans for the future year and I realized that I really need to start thinking a little bit more about what I want to do. And while talking with my friends I discovered that you might present a person to the people around you, but the circumstances of being so far away from home, from your friends, from everything that defined you for more than 20 years, are presenting you as a different person. Even if you don't want to do it, the circumstances are not helping you to do it differently: you many things that define you might not be close to you.

You might lack the support, your friends, the money, the power, the knowledge, the familiarity, the places, the music, the food, the coffee, the cars... or you might just lack the moments that are bringing the true you to the surface. And then I had another AHA moment. This is the perfect situation to meet people exactly the same as you...that are acting the same as you are acting home.

No, I did not meet anybody like me here yet. I had the opportunity to meet that person at home, in my safe environment; here I had the opportunity to meet people that have the same behavior that I have at home, when people do not know me. That's the difference: at home when I met that person I managed (I hope) to spend enough time in order to "break" that person and manage to see the true self; here I see the behavior of a person acting when the other person does not know the core self and when they think they can act however, because the other person cannot read them completely.

Back home the circumstances are helping me to be myself, are helping me to not not to fake, but to do/be/act exactly how I am. I used to talk with my girls about guys coming with different cars to pick us up from home, just trying to impress us; but we were doing the same: going to clubs with different cars, just to show off. That's childish, but it happens. Or how some of us are attracted by foreigners, just to talk a little bit more English or to see how a different culture thinks. But being home, in your self environment, with all the right circumstances, make you act in specific ways, ways that you would not choose as a way to express yourself when you are away from home. Because you don't have everything you have home to rely on; sometimes you know so clear that home you would react differently, but away from home you simply... cannot...

That brings me in front of a very important question for me: if you need all of those things to be able to express your true self, then how do you know everybody is true? How do you know you do not take a wrong/good decision based on circumstances which would forces you, that in a safe and know environment, to act different? I'm not lying, but I know that in some situations I might have acted differently if I would have been at home... so, am I true or am I lying, just because I don't have the right circumstances? Personally I think it's ME all the time, but sometimes I wish some people could see me at home...

PS: this is for a crazy girl willing to pursue a crazy dream with me, which is reality for us already... this is for discovering a new country, a new culture, a new experience, this is for discovering the true us!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwsSNrSEONc

Impact

During the last week I started to think very much about the impact I have on people around me. A few weeks ago and last night I did something which reminded me even more of one of my good friends that is not here with us anymore.

A few weeks ago I started to talk with a person using a random question, a random thing that lead to something I had never have in my mind. This relation (not relationship :P ) is reminding me so much of my friend, is reminding me so much of the freedom of speech and the trust we build between us without even knowing why. But one thing that I learned from that situation 3 years ago is that you need to be open minded enough to accept that sometimes you just find someone around you that you have an automatic connection with. But I will never forget how that conversation at 4 a.m., 3 years ago, lead to a beautiful friendship, lead to something which I still have deep in my heart.

Last night I did something I have done in cold day in the winter of 2008. Because in that cold morning I have forced him to think and talk about feelings buried deep in his soul. Doing that in that moment, so not selfish, so honest made me earn a friend that has been close to me for the next 3 years.

I started to think today about this because I find it interesting: you can start a relation, a connection in a random way, but the end it's not that random. Being here, so far way from home, I was "obliged" to appreciate a lot more people around me, friends, family, feelings etc. And now I start realizing that I did something which is not me: I started a conversation with an unknown person, I was not shy how I am in these types of situations, something pushed me to be... courageous and that thing (which I cannot explain) got me to a totally unexpected situation. Something pushed me to find out more about this person and I find the situation extremely... weird, but good weird.

Sometimes we build walls around us, sometimes we get hurt and scared and we close ourselves from any contact with the exterior, sometimes we run halfway around the world, hoping it will do good to us, hoping we will never get hurt again, hoping we end up in a place where people don't know us and don't criticize. We reach a level of self protection that high that it's almost impossible for other people to get to us, in any way. The experiences I was talking before made me wanting to tear those walls down, to be opened even if I might get hurt, to stop running around the world, because I might miss something great, something great which is right in front of my eyes.

I don't know what made me to stop being shy and ask that question, but something tells me I did a good thing.

PS: going to Mexico to the international conference showed me pretty much the same thing: I met people there, with some of them I'm still talking, but even if I'm not talking with them right now (on a daily basis), something changed in us because of our interaction in that conference.

We always have an impact on people around us. It's just up to us to decide what kind of impact we want to have. And it's up to us to choose if we let people around us to have an impact on us.

New year, new beginnings...

Going home for Christmas holidays was a very interesting experience for me. Not seeing my friends or spending time with my family, but because I felt I need to make some changes in my life, to make some resolutions for 2011, to say goodbye to some things from 2010 or to some friends.

Home found me being weird, feeling a lot of things and being confused about even more. But being home calmed me down, offered me the possibility of thinking very clear at my past, my present and my future. And I was so happy when the time spent alone or with old friends around me started to produce results and decisions. Now, I don't want to live anymore in the past or feeling sorry for some things; I want to live the present and prepare slowly for my future. I felt the urge to write ever since I arrived back in Dominican Republic, but lack of time did not allow me. But I want to write again, to be written black on white written my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas and never to forget them.

This life took me through weird and unexpected moments, from those that proved me that I am a strong person and that I know when to stop from things that hurt me, until things that I had never even dreamed about. I don't know why, but for more than a month I feel very confident and free and capable of doing a lot of things. And I'm really pushing myself to do only things that are good for me and to stop doing things that I'm addicted to, just because they taste good for one moment.

This year I'm going to go in exchange, I'm going to work in a company in western Europe and I will have a good salary and I will start the slow transition between the organization that gave me the best 4 years of my life to corporate life. This year I'm going to read at least that 52 books (at least one per week). This year I'm going to take my parents to Rome by plane and we are going to visit the city for at least 4 days (on my own expense). These were the resolutions I managed to set so far for 2011, but I feel it's enough for this moment.

One of the best/worst moment that I went through in January was that my laptop crashed. I don't know the reason for it, but I know that all of a sudden, I could not load windows anymore and the partition with windows installed was not seen. The bad part was that I realized I could not fix it and I needed help (direct hit in my ego) and this came together with the fact that I could not ask for help from anybody (all my friends with IT knowledge are in Romania). The best things were that I managed to find friends in Dominican Republic to help me repair it and that I did not call my old friends whom I used to help me repair it usually (which means I broke an addiction). I'm so happy I could solve the situation alone, but in the same time with friends. January was a breaking point for me; I broke a very important addiction and I'm free from one of the most challenging things in my life.

February showed me the other side of the coin: that in life you can obtain things you never dreamed about. In February I celebrated 4 months with my boyfriend in Dominican Republic in the most sweetest way possible: romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant on the seashore of the Atlantic Ocean, in the Caribbeans. While being there I realized I have never even dreamed about doing that and yet it happened. This reminded me of something a guy told me home at the high-school reunion: good things come to those you who wait. I have never waited for this, but it was a good thing :)

This year is going to be changing and good :) and it started like that :)

A promise made too long time ago...

I remembered a promise made by 2 kids years ago... 2 kids that did not know enough, 2 kids that were trying not to make plans regarding the future, 2 kids that wanted and felt there's a too big world to discover.

I think this memory is almost 3 years old by now. I always envied people that could remember exactly the age they had when something happened; I was never capable of doing that. But I admired those people. But I was always envied by my friends because even if I could never remember the moment when it happened exactly, I could always remember all the small details from any event/meeting. Anyway, I think this happened 3 years ago. It was a cold summer/autumn night, 2 o'clock at night and we were in a place which was about to close. We were the last customers and they were trying to make us leave. We did not talk until that moment for some months and we needed to catch up with everything that we lost.

But again, just like 2 kids, we were always back to the same subject: us. It all started like a game, we were trying to have fun and discover new things. But as always, things got complicated and before we knew, we were in a different story that we knew we could not deal with at that age, in those conditions. And in that night, 3 years ago, we end up talking about what we are doing. In that weird night we made a promise, we were too young, we wanted to discover the world, new friends etc, so we could not be together then; but we will meet and talk about that in 5 years from that moment and maybe, start a relationship or whatever.

Now, when that memory came in my mind, it made me think about how we acted as kids actually. Because now, a 24 years person in a few months, I'm not seeing what happened with the same eyes. God, life is passing by and moments don't come back for ever... And that promise made me feel always comfortable with my life and my feelings, because I was always hoping that I have that as my back-up. Now, something changed and I cannot see it with the same eyes. To believe in that idea from now on, it seems for me that I need to believe, really believe in a destiny. But I always believed that you also have an influence in what is happening, not just that the destiny is being fulfilled.

I always saw myself, even if we made that silly promise, as a free person. We were never jealous, angry or over-protective. I always lived my life as a free person, with no strings attached and I was always discovering new persons, new cultures, new things about myself. Last week I felt that I maybe I need to get over and stop believing in that silly promise 2 kids made. This is the bad part of this story: I lost faith in him, I don't trust him any more and I told him that before I left the country. He promised again to win my trust back, but maybe promises are made to be broken.

We are leaves in the wind, who are you to tell that you are going to land in a specific place in the future? No matter how hard you try... you might not succeed. Who are you to tell that something is going to happen for sure? Why don't you take advantage of the present time, which is a present like all the saying are saying, and make the best out of it. Because sometimes we are kids that are making promises...

Friends

Last days were pretty relaxed for me. I had time to do my job, my work and most of all I had the time to rest. Again obliged by the lack of electricity, or like last night, by own will, because I managed to sleep 12 hours. Apparently I was very tired and sleeping 12 hours really helped me to get some rest :)

In the last week, I talked with friends I did not talk for a looong time and it felt very good. I remember that when I left home I was thinking who is going to talk to me while I will be there, who will be in contact with me etc. And apparently, some people still remember me, some people still talk with me or read my blog.

Also I'm very happy because even after a long time being apart, I'm still connected with my MC team from Romania. I talk with them pretty often (or at least a part of them), and somehow, no matter how much time passes by, we still know about each other, what we are doing, where we are etc. I can start realizing that this team will be close to my heart no matter what and we will be friends over the years... That makes me happy, proud and grateful.

But what I know for sure is that now I'm discovering who really represents a good friend for me, who can really understand my passion and the reasons for me coming in this country, who still cares about what is happening to me while being here.

Unfortunately, I can realize I changed and I'm not the same person, mainly because of the situations I had to deal with since I was here (most of them personal), that I know that the relations I have now are affected by that. Sometimes I am sad about it, because I cannot change my behaviour or I cannot find a way to do that yet, and I can realize how the relations I have are affected and I don't like it. But hopefully, the good and important friends I have are going to accept the new person I am and together we will find a way to maintain the relation in the future.

I'm really excited about spending the Christmas holiday at home with family and friends. Sometimes I'm dreaming at night that I forgot some presents or things to do before my departure, but I wake up and realize I have plenty of time to arrange everything and not to worry.

Finding the new you

After almost 4 months I started even more to change. And I can realize a lot more easier the changes I'm going through. And I appreciate in a strange way all the cultural shocks.

I appreciate the lack of electricity. After you finish all your work on a paper and you even reply in writing to your urgent e-mails, you can rest. You are actually obliged to rest, because there's nothing else you can do. And it's not that bad :)

I plan the meetings with a buffer time of one hour at least, because I don't know what might happen, so sometimes I finish work earlier because everything happened in time (my time :) ), sometimes I finish just in time because everything happened in the buffer time :)

We know we cannot find anything opened after 10 p.m., so before that we know we need to make sure that we have everything we need for that night - cigarettes, alcohol, water etc. So that way, rarely we are missing something at night :)

I also started to change for a personal point of view; even my parents realize the changes I'm going through. I'm cleaning very often my locker, I'm taking more care of my things, I'm more reserved in buying food (because I don't have enough money and because I don't need everything), I'm buying only important and useful things, I'm washing my own clothes, I'm cooking a lot more than at home. Also, I know that now I cannot work in dirty rooms, I like clean things and organized, I still don't eat the cookies I'm baking... and so many things. I also know that you never know what the future will be in the moment you decide anything, so specially in the case when you are leaving from your loved ones, make sure you will not regret anything that might happen. And I've become even more patient and diplomatic - I never knew I can I do it even more :)

And then is the other thing we realized we are going through... we are always trying new things (specially from the food point of view), mostly because we are trying to find the things we like at home. Peru is still searching for "that" bread, I'm still looking for that "cheese" and Sasha is still searching for "that" chocolate. And it's funny... because this little things, when you actually discover them, they are making you so so happy... so now we are even more aware of how little things can make your day :)

And I never actually miss home. I don't actually miss the persons in my life, I'm still talking with them so everything is pretty normal. I'm missing the things I'm used to... my car, the buses, a coffee in Saturday morning in a bakery, shopping with my parents every weekend, a club with my girls. I'm missing habits...

But now I'm starting to be more happy. I'm starting to assimilate everything that happened to me from the moment I came here, I'm even more aware of the reasons I decided to come, I'm starting to communicate with people around me in a more profound way (persons from home, but also persons from DR), I discovered which persons are really important to me and I want to keep as friends, and most important... I have my tickets for the Christmas holiday in Romania. So now, I know I will spend 3 weeks in my home :) for sure :) And on my way to Romania I will have the change to visit a little bit Madrid and Rome :) Maybe someone wants to join me? (please reply to my e-mail :P )

PS: yesterday when I was preparing myself to go and buy the ticket, at 7 in the morning, I felt on the stairs and I hurt my hand pretty bad; and it's the right hand, which already had problems. But I was thinking that was a small price I had to pay for my trip to Romania. And I knew all along I'm going home for Christmas; I had a Polo red Volkswagen that drove in from of me the entire road... so I knew I had a small help from my good friend and that he wants me to get home :)

Be there for us... we need you...

One week ago I managed to watch the Romanian 7 o'clock news live on the internet. I was so happy that I could connect for one hour live with my country. I was so happy that I could see commercials and interviews with famous people in Romania. Unfortunately, I got very sad in the next second... all the news were so bad, negative and irrelevant. And I think I did not observe this before, when I was in the country, at this intensity... I really did not like anything in it: stupid news, stupid excuses, lies, unimportant and irrelevant stuff...

Actually I feel every day that this experience is becoming more and more personal for me. I realize what I like, what is important for me, who is important, what I appreciate, every little personal detail about me. I don't like the news in my country. I don't miss them, I don't learn anything new from them, they only make me want to change something in order for my kids not to be influenced by them. I like neat things, cleanness, order and I like to see things around me organized or otherwise I cannot work. I cannot lie and I don't see any purpose in telling people what is my financial status or my family's status. I don't like to pretend. I like to clean and cook, but I like when people appreciate what I did and they don't behave like I'm their maid.

I also got a little bit scared about my future. Maybe it's because of all the events in my life in the last months/years, maybe it's because I feel the pressure again to make a decision about my next year. Usually in AIESEC getting closer to November, means that you should decide your next year, because you need to apply for that position. I started to get scared, because next year I'm going to be 24, single, without a job, doing volunteering work? From personal point of view, I'm playing. From professional point of view, I'm discovering. How much more can I do this? Don't I want to get married until 30, maybe have a kid? I want to still be the kid and to play and discover? Or maybe I can do all of them?

The thing that is in my mind a little bit more powerful is represented by the people in my life. My friends or not really. I can really start to see what they represent for me, what I want from them, what I represent for them, what they want from me... And I'm starting to take decisions about them. My team here told me that maybe I should wait a little bit more until I take decisions, but I feel that without me wanting, I'm starting to "create" the decisions...

Aerosmith said it so good in the song called Dream on:

Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHRNSeuvzlM

I don't want to be mean, but being to far away from my friends helped me realize a little bit more easily how you feel in this situation. Is not that you want to threat them, but slowly you drift away... if I ask your help and you postpone me, the second chance might not show up. But also, like it happen to me... you never know what might happen and maybe tomorrow you will not be able to talk with me anymore... or I might not come back home, because I might start thinking that I have no reason to come back home...

Away from home, so far away, without the possibility to go back every 2 months, makes you see the things a little bit more fixed. If you want to flex them, you need to talk with your friends which are so far away. We need to hear some things every once in a while, because we are not there to see them how we used to...

Last day

Today I remembered the last day I spent in Romania. The last 24 hours and what I have done.

I remember how I went to Ali to tell him goodbye and how I stood with him in front of my building for the last time. The discussions we had and that we said we will not say goodbye, how we promissed we will talk often and that he will answer my e-mails as soon as possible. I remember the last time I talked with Bogdan and what he told me, including the fact that he will not see me to tell me goodbye. I remember how I was running to do my insurance papers and the last meeting with my girls. That last time I drank my coffee at Starbucks and how it was. I remember that I was so pissed off about the insurance and that I tried to not think about the fact that I will not see my girls for one year, and that when I left I didn't want to hug them or kiss them or even saying goodbye, but that I left crying and they don't know that. I remember how I cried all the way home, thinking how much I will miss my girls.

I even remember the feeling I had when I was in the MC office of AIESEC Romania for the last time. I took so many pictures with all the desks and rooms, I was so so sad. I was already missing my team, my work, my Alumni. I remember the last look I took in the office, the last look I took from my window in my own room, the last look I took at my room and how I put very fast, right before I got out of the house, a picture with me and my mom. Just in case.

Now, I'm thinking about the feeling I will have the last time I will see the MC office in the Dominican Republic. My God! One of the most craziest years in my life, being MC VP and then being MCP, a wonderful team, a crazy team, a team that believed and strived for excellence, friends I will never forget and hopefully I will meet around the world in my future life, my bed, my desk, the rooms, the washing machine, the couch, the chairs, the building. And I'm on my way to the airport, I'm going home. Or maybe I'm going somewhere in Europe for one week for holidays. But I'm leaving... and I'm again sad...

Last night I had such a wonderful dream. I was so tired and I went to sleep early, but I managed to dream something. I was already home, after 1 year and he was there hugging me, telling me that this trip was so good even for him, because he managed to think and analyze everything. I don't know if I'm in love, I don't think I can be with a person I haven't seen in so many months, but what he was telling me there seemed so normal and natural. And I felt so protected and safe. Maybe I'm associating the home image with him and this is why I felt like that. Maybe it's wrong to think like that and maybe I should use this period in order to sort things in my life. Maybe it's good because I realize that actually I want him and I will never be able to change that. But it doesn't matter right now, I think... I think it matters that after that dream I felt more happy, more protected, more safe, more willing to do my job... I felt better. I think that's all that matters :)

I want to thank, again, everybody for your support. You know with what you contributed and that I'm thanking you for something. Thank you for your dreams, for my dreams, for your time, for the influence, for the good memories, for the conferences, for the coffees, for the "cico"s, for the nights and days spent together, for every every thing! Thank you!

Memories

Lately I tend to think very much about home, about what is happening in life in general, about what we do on a daily basis...

The other days, I was watching a video on youtube and I realized that watching that movie I was thinking only about home, about my country, about my friends, about... memories. And my mind was flying between all my memories... my entire life was flashing in front of my eyes.

I was in a concert of my favourite artist one year ago, at the seaside with my friends. Then I was in the plane, going 10.000 km away from home to conquer new mountains inside me. Then I realized I miss the guys in my life, even though I wanted to forget about them and think clearly just about myself. But then I realized that I'm so far away from anything known for me, I'm in a country with a different culture, with different personalities, nothing is anymore known... But I was in a plane with a guy and I was leaving to a new country... and I always asked myself, why did him took the same plane with me...

I'm doing right now so many things I would not normally do if I were home, I'm part of one of the most international teams possible, I'm thinking all the time in English, not Romanian, and I already started to switch sometimes to Spanish... But I wonder what I am going to do with my masters, am I going back after this year to finish it, am I taking one more year of break, what?

Oh... and then I remembered about how many interviews I had to give for my CSR project, how the PR manager taught me how to talk with radios and TV stations and what to tell in the interview. Or when we did promotion for our recruitments or when I talked with 200 people in a room about AIESEC and how nervous I was...

And then I woke out to reality. My friend is really gone, I will never see him again, but my life moves on. And that's so weird... I have so many reasons to be happy, but sometimes it seems so weird to do that. It seems so sad... life has to move on, life moved on... maybe he will always know that I will never be trully happy, but he will be happy that my life is getting better...